I Still Believe in Miracles

It has been nearly four months since my last blog. It feels like I’m returning to the comfort of an old friend. I don’t know if I’m grasping for time-fillers, or if my Lord is urging me to write again. Perhaps a combination of both is true. For whatever reason, the drama in my life continues, and I don’t really understand why. I can’t say my prayers are unanswered, because I truly believe my Father is simply saying, “Not yet.”

These four months included a baby shower for my youngest son and his wife, a family trip to the Smokey Mountains, my oldest son’s birthday, the birth of my third grandson in August, my thirteen-year-old grandson’s birthday, and back-to-school for my two grandsons who live with me. It sounds like a typically busy summer for most of us. As seems to be my new normal, it was a roller coaster of emotions that has left me, well, desolate.

As I write this, I haven’t really spoken to my grown sons for weeks now. My oldest son’s wife had two baby showers, and I didn’t go to either one. I now know that was selfish of me. I apologized to her for it, and she graciously forgave me. The drama from the weeks prior to the showers was too fresh, so I just didn’t want to face anyone. My granddaughter is due later this month. I don’t even know if I’ll see her, let alone, be able to hold her.

I had to put my foot down, finally. Not wanting to add fuel to the fire, should any of my kids take the time to read anything I write, I’m not going to share details. It’s not my purpose to bash them, but to share my heart, and to ponder, for the millionth time, where my life is going. I’m really hoping that when I get to Heaven, I will be able to tell Jesus it was all worth it, and we’ll be able to laugh about it until our sides hurt. Well, there’s no pain in Heaven, so…

I will say that I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life, and basically said, “No more.” My two sons, mainly, somehow have made it nearly impossible for us to carry on in a relationship, at least for now. The ball is in their court, so to speak. I will always love them with everything I have, I love their wives, and I ache for my two new grandbabies, but this break is necessary. They will remain in my prayers daily, and I ask anyone who may read this, to pray for them, and me.

Thankfully, and ironically, my prodigal daughter has been doing so well, and I can finally say that she and I are enjoying a renewed mother-daughter relationship and actually enjoy being in each other’s company. In light of the other issues, I am so grateful. I guess God knew I couldn’t lose them all at once.

To fill the hours of each day, I am extremely busy at work, so that takes care of the daylight hours. The evenings are the most difficult. After work, I usually decompress for a half hour or so, then start dinner for the boys. I still believe they were placed in my care to keep me going. If it weren’t for my having to get them up for school and feeding them, I don’t know if I would have the gumption to even get out of bed most days.

I started again on a hobby I love, restoring an old dollhouse. It had been years since I did this, but I came across a deal I couldn’t pass up, so many evenings are spent painting the house, collecting and making the furnishings. I get enormous joy from this, and it occupies my mind. Time flies and before I know it, it’s time for bed again. Other nights, I might watch tv, and enjoy a glass, or more, of wine. I confess the wine numbs my heart, which has taken a beating lately. I know, not the best solution.

In my prayers at night, I often ask God if he could just not let me wake up in the morning and take me Home. Obviously, he hasn’t seen fit to do that just yet. My friends, I’m not suicidal. I’m just tired, and I just want to live my final years in relative peace. When I wake in the morning, my dog, Lucky, reminds me that he needs to go outside and wants his morning treat. I remember how much I love to sit and drink my coffee in the morning and do my Bible reading. So, I have no choice but to thank Him for the new day and press on.

Something that has remained intact through all of this, is hope. I have been created to be a compassionate person. I’m a dreamer and I have a childlike faith. The fact that my daughter has been restored to me is a miracle. Even after all that I have seen, I still believe in miracles. I must. And we still have our duty as followers of Jesus, to go out into all the world and share the eternal hope that He offers.

Blessings,

Lisa Jo